Goose

I wanted to write something here about my husband. He is my best friend. I am reminded of that Sarah McLaughlin song "Thank You." There is so much to thank you for, Goose. You are the part of me that I strive to be, the part that I despise in myself, and the part that makes me laugh and see this life with wonder. A companion on the journey of life. Although the process I am going through would be necessary whether we were together or not, I feel privileged to go through it with you by my side. Although our journeys are not identical, I cannot help but feel a kind of giddy joy when we just happen to bump into each other along the way. I also want to say that I think that we probably could have this connection whether we were married or not. But, we are married so it makes the whole process at least a slight bit more certain. I think about our life today, and I can't help but smile on the inside. It is a sort of inside contentness. Not that I ever want to be truly satisfied with anything, but I know that this journey is more interesting and a lot more fun and less lonely when you are here with me.

Sometimes I feel my connection to the outside world slipping away from me so fast. I feel that I might be losing everything in common with people because of how I think now. But, for some strange reason you are here still. You are with me even though you may not agree with me. You haven't left me here alone. And then it gets me thinking about why you would be here still. And you are right. You have often said it. If you didn't want to be here, you wouldn't, and now I can understand that. It is like when you touch me or kiss me. It is more intoxicating to think about what you are doing to me and why! Yes, the actual feelings and sensations on my skin are nice, but knowing the purpose and desire behind those actions means so much more.

Life is good!

I am America (and so can you!)

I finished today "The God Delusion." An overall incredible read. One of the best books I have read in a long time. It also had the perfect ending that was both encouraging and inspriring to explore and experience the wonderful world that we are a part of.

I picked up "I am America (and so can you!)" by Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's Colbert Report, one of my favorite tv shows. I still can't decide if Stephen really holds these ridiculous beliefs, or if he is having a really fun time pretending he does in overlly convincing ways. I wonder if he is simply portraying these crazy beliefs so people can see the silliness of the whole system. But, I'm still not sure about that. Well this book is definately a lighter read than the previous book, but entertaining and educational nontheless.

Testimony

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I am thrilled to finally have a decent testimony or personal story to share with people. I used to desire this personal story to help to win people for god, but my motives now are radically different. I want my story or testimony to help people free themselves from the oppression of religion and false belief systems. So here goes ~

Beginnings:
I grew up in a christian home. There was never a time that I did not know about god or jesus. I watched my mother pray everyday for the same people in the same diligent way. I learned from my parents what it meant to be a good chrisitan; to be honest, hard-working, and have faith. I remember hearing and reading the classic bible stories when I was young. We went to church every Sunday, but were never very active in it because we usually went to churches quite a distance from our home. Therefore, the majority of my religious indoctrination came from the home. There was nothing outside of christianity. It was in everything and everywhere I looked and I never imagined or thought for one second that there was another option. At that point, it would seem silly to have the option to be wrong. It is silly but I even remember singing all the time. Recently, I found a couple cassette tapes with my young voice on them singing only hymns and other christian songs. There were all about god and jesus, because I knew nothing else.

Growing Up:
As I grew up, we changed churches frequently so I never really had a church family. When I was in kindergarten, my brother graduated college and moved away, leaving me at home with mom and dad. It was all great at home until upper elementary and junior high. I started hanging around different people at school and overall, had quite a rebellious attitude toward my parents and authority in general. I started dating boys, but the one thing that kept me from doing anything that is typical of the teen years was my mother's constant prayer that if I ever was doing something I wasn't supposed to, that I would get caught. Just knowing that my mother was praying kept me from exploring and experiencing the world.

Decisions:
During the summer of my 8th grade year, which would have been 1998, we started attending River of Life Christan Center in Plymouth, Indiana. I got involved with the youth group, made friends, and even joined the worship band. I found my faith again, mainly influenced by peer pressure. I struggled during my 9th grade year at public school for 2 reasons; I felt like the curriculum was going too slow for me, and I didn't like all the negative influences at school. It was hard to be a christian there. So, by my own decision, I asked my parents if I could be home schooled for the rest of high school. They agreed and starting in my 10th grade year I stayed at home for school and taught myself. Those were interesting times. All the curriculum of course had a christian underlying message behind it, whether it was chemistry, literature or history. We even had health class where I read books called "I kissed dating goodbye" and "boy meets girl" which advocated abstinence and even non-dating until adulthood. Even then, a couple should court instead of dating. During those years at home, I became more and more involved with church and christian homeschool groups, connecting only ever with others that shared my christian beliefs. I graduated high school one year early and volunteered at the church school for that year. I spent my entire day at the church; helping at the christian school, working in the church office, helping with youth group, etc. Church was everything to me. All the while, I focused on building my relationship with god and deepening friendships with others around me.

Changes:
After a year of volunteering, I decided to enroll in Indiana University South Bend to study education. Following the advice from those health books, I courted a young man from my church during this time. We were married the following spring in 2003. We decided to move to South Bend to be closer to school and work, as well as have some much needed space away from family and friends during our newlywed days. We were both still committed christians and continued to make the 30 minute drive to our home church. During this time, lots of changes were taking place in the church. The congregation recently bought a new building and were constantly renovating it, getting it ready for future use. The previous worship leader (who was the pastor's daughter) left to pursue a job, and I was given the position of worship leader at age 19. This happened right around the time we got married. I cannot describe the stresses that I went through in that position. The pastor treated me awfully, even embarrassing and criticizing me in front of the entire congregation. I could never really live up to what his daughter was like as the worship leader. But I endured, all the while being the slave to the pastor and people in the church. Every time I had an idea of my own, I was told I was out of line. Every time I questioned something, I was simply told to have faith. Pretty soon, I realized that I was going to keep having ideas and questions, but my own church family did not want to hear them. I kept the questions to myself, and continued to believe while faltering in my faith. The so-called representatives of god on earth were telling me that my ideas were not good enough. I was told by those in authority to simply be quiet and go along with what god was doing. My husband and I saw an opportunity for change and to follow god's direction when our church decided to start a new campus in our hometown of South Bend. We were thrilled and put our time, money, and effort into the new campus. Knowing that I would be helping with the new campus, I was quickly replaced as worship leader in Plymouth, basically just pushed aside without ever talking about it which ended up being great for me. So, my husband and I, discontented with how things were in Plymouth, were looking forward to the change in South Bend. We thought that we would be able to connect with god and with people better up here since this campus would be much closer to where we lived.

Disappointment:
Well at first, all new things are great. You always think that this time it will be different. And it was good for a while at the South Bend campus, now called Church of the Heartland. Being the good little christian slaves that we were, we volunteered for almost every conceivable group at the church to help out in any way possible. During this same time, I also was hanging out a lot with my brother. Because I had been so busy with school and church, I didn't realize the incredible change my brother had gone through. One weekend at his house, he shared the changes that were going on with him. His entire belief system had changed. I remember that night and all the things he told me. I was really shocked. Mind you, I was already a faltering christian and the things my brother shared about his own personal loss of faith really hit home for me. I remember driving home that weekend and balling my eyes out about what he had shared. I remember thinking, "Oh god, my brother is going to hell now!" I was in denial, thinking to myself that the conclusions he had come to had to be wrong. After all, god is god and of course he is real. Because I loved my brother so much, I decided to look into the issues he brought up. I did my own research on the issues to find the facts out for myself, all the while hoping and believing that what I would find would point to god and jesus.

Revelation:
What I found was not what I expected. I found things about the bible that couldn't possibly be true. I read actual history books that recounted the happenings at the Council of Nicaea and couldn't believe the things I was finding. Bits and pieces of my belief system were crumbling down around me. It was all happening so fast. Once I found the truth about one issue, all the dogma that rested on that issue came crumbling down as well. Everything now was up in the air and nothing was certain. Mind you, during this same time my husband and I continued attending church, but I had new ears, picking up all of the inconsistencies that were taught from the pulpit. We had been so busy volunteering that we never really connected with anyone at the campus. In addition, I really did not want to get close with anyone there lest they find out what I was really thinking and feeling about the church and god. My husband and I even went to our pastor for council. We only told him about our troubles connecting with people and mentioned to him that we were considering looking for a new church for a fresh start. I can still hear his words to us ringing through my mind as he sat at our dining room table: "If you two leave the church, I will be VERY VERY disappointed." I knew as soon as those words left his lips that this place was not for us. We came to him for council and advice and the only thing he could think about was how he would feel. I was expecting something like: "god has a plan for us all. All you can do is try to listen to his voice. Wherever you go, the two of you will be blessed." But no, all we were given was a shitload of guilt. I think we went one more Sunday and then we just stopped going. Also keep in mind, that I was in the worship band (bass & singer), my husband and I did children's church twice a month, we volunteered in the nursery and welcome teams, and we were in the core group of about 30 regular attenders at the church. We never EVER heard anything from anyone at the church. No calls or emails saying that we were missed or if everything was okay. Nothing. We instantly were strangers to everyone there that we thought was our family. The lack of communication made it somewhat easier to deal with the break. At least we did not have to explain to anyone why we left.

Now & the Future:
It has been a year and a half since we left the church. For a while afterwards, we tried to continue being christ-like, although not necessarily ascribing to christianity. In the end, we threw all of the garbage away. What my husband and I have noticed since we left is that we have more money and our home is much more peaceful. Life is over all much better and happier. It was difficult those first couple months, but together we have come out of that difficult situation with a better understanding of who we are. And of course, it was difficult to let go of our entire upbringing, our entire way of thinking in this world. But it was easier than we thought it would be. It was natural. Some of our close family members still do not know everything about where we are. We are still building up the courage to just come right out and say it. The world is now an awesome playground with interesting ideas and people. In a way, I feel like i am playing catch up. I missed out on the world for the first 20 years of my life. The next 20 and beyond are going to be full of wonder, excitement, and true freedom. It has been a strange journey so far and we are both excited to see what will happen next.

Imagine

Why so many divisions and separations?
John had it right, let’s imagine what the world would be like
Without all the shit that fucks people up
And makes us all hate each other

Because we are all the same
Cut us in the middle, we all bleed
We are part of each other
So when you take another, you take yourself

No longer a slave to delusions
No longer a puppet to facades
I am sick of all the bullshit and sick of all the lies
No longer believing in the fucked up god of the skies

Control

Zombies, puppets, whatever you want to call it
Controlled by something outside of themselves
Whenever I am forced to give up part of myself, a red flag goes up
Whenever I am told what to do, I say shut the fuck up

Let me make up my own damn mind
I will live my life however I want
I want to do what makes me happy, haven't figured out what that is yet
I want you to find the same, and in the process can't we grow as friends?

What Really Matters

I want to talk about truth, peace, love, and happiness
All they want to talk about is shopping
I feel like I am being punished for being myself
Stop trying to convert me back or hoping that I will find the path again

I can't go back now that I know the truth
The truth really does set me free
Ignorance is NOT bliss, unless you want it to be
Ignorance is a choice, nothing more

Find yourself and you will find truth
You are not what you wear
You are no how much you make
You are so much more, why do you diminish who you are?

Don't play if off as something supernatural
You are what is super and you are totally natural
I am my own hero
And maybe in the process of me finding myself, I can be a hero to someone else as well

That's where I'm at

So, there you go: the stages of grief. Haven't made it to acceptance or hope yet officially I suppose. I still feel angry occasionally about the whole situation, but it is mostly because of particular people who still ascribe to that belief system. I mostly feel sadness about the world and its condition, and like the Depression post noted, I feel truly powerless to do anything about it. Well, at least I feel powerless right now. It seems like such a pervasive situation that I wonder what one person can do to make a difference. It is funny really. I remember countless sermons and preachers who spouted on and on about how each person is so special. Each person just has to find the place that god has chosen for them to make a difference in. Even though I think those ideas were just another form of control, I can see some truth in them. In a way, going through this shit has really made me the person I am today. True, I may not believethat my purpose in life is to share god with people anymore. Perhaps my purpose is not that far off though. Maybe, in a wierd twisted way, I went through those issues so that I can come away from it having a story to share with others. As a chrisitan, I was jealous of people who had rough histories. They actually had an interesting testimony to share with people. All I could ever say was that I was a christian my whole life. That never was a worthy testimony in my opinion. On the flip side of things now, I do have an awesome testimony about how I bravely left behind the lies and crap of religion. I went through it. I know how it works. And now, I finally have that testimony that I can share with people. Perhaps, in a wierd way, I always longed to relate to people on a personal level. I wanted to experience those things. Now, I have that story. And maybe in the process of sharing my story of recovery with others, they can have a chance to find themselves as well. So, look for a future post that will talk about my actual experiences growing up in and leaving christianity.

Depression

/sigh
The world turned out a lot so much more different than it was supposed to
It was supposed to be a place where we lived together in peace
Regardless of whatever differences people try to find today
Something went wrong…we fucked it up bad
We found ways to make us feel more special than others
Ways to make us feel better about yourselves and our existence
We had to give ourselves a fake purpose instead of finding a real one on our own
Manifest Destiny….ruined the world
Bringing death…destruction…control….division
All in the name of “fill in the blank”
So many people were not given a choice
So many people were punished for being themselves
Millions upon millions simply for who they were
And we still do it today
When are we going to learn that death is not the way?
I feel helpless to stop what is going on in the world today
How can this be the truth today?
Is this the reality that I have strived so long to find?
It is ugly and terrible….how ironic it is… so sublime
I want this because it is the truth…but it is hard to swallow..
What do I do with this knowledge now?

Anger

Lies, lies, lies
I've believed in them for too long
All the sick shit that this does to people
All the crap people do to each other for it
I won't be lied to anymore
Part of me was taken without my permission
I was never given a choice or free will
I didn't even know there was a choice
No one ever told me all of this
I feel like I was the butt of a sick twisted joke
I was so foolish to be a part of the proselytizing nation
I was raped and beaten, and didn't have a choice
I tried to get away but was sucked in further
A wolf in sheep's clothing, so nice on the oustide
But it is really a putrid pile of shit
Mmmmm tasty.....some people like to rub their faces in it
'Oh how wonderful he is......his presence is here'
Hey, if you like the smell and taste of shit, have fun
But not me

Bargaining

Let's negotiate and reason it out
My faith is waning
Show me a sign to prove yourself
You have to be real becuase what else is there to life?

Denial

It is too painful to accept so I'll reject that idea
Even though the evidence shows that it is clear
I can say that it is not true
Well for the most part at least
Compulsion can't cure addictions
Because all I have to do is deny

The evidence must be wrong if it doesn't fit what is inside my head
Those people must spend their days making up stuff for me to change my mind
It is easy to have faith, all I have to do is dismiss anything that does not line up with it
Without another single thought about it

Stages of Grief

I have noticed that the recovery I am going through seems to fit the stages of grief when something traumatic happens in a person's life, such as a death. It is as if something inside of me has died. Of course, it will be painful at first. But, as I progress through the stages I come to terms with the way things are and can move on and be happy. For me, the stages were quite clearly defined: denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. I have yet to move on to the stages of acceptance and hope. In the next several days, I will post my thoughts and feelings associated with each stage of grief. I found some useful information on the stages of grief here.

Shallow

Everyone wants to talk about the weather
I want to go deeper but they say no and stay away
They get uncomfortable, uneasy
Is it because inside they know the truth too?

Screaming and shouting but no one hears
I feel like I am drowning in endless lies
Inundated with it everywhere
I can't get away from it

But it pulls me down
Takes a part of me with it
I don't want to give up part of myself
I am me and like me this way

This is how I am supposed to be
Stop trying to save me or change me
I am more myself than I ever have been
I only wish you knew yourself as well

The God Delusion

I am currently reading Richard Dawkin's book "The God Delusion." It is written in a way that makes it seem that I am having an interesting conversation with Richard himself. It is clear and easy to understand. I just started chapter four which is talking about the huge improbability of god. Richard makes reference to the Boeing 747 miracle. Human beings or any complex organism created in one day of creation is equally as improbable as a hurricane ravaging a junk yard and miraculously assembling a complete 747 jet. Obviously, no one can prove indefinitely either way the existence of god, but we can speak of which idea is more probable. Many people across the world chose to base their entire life on something that is improbable. I would rather base my life on something that IS; something that is visible, I can touch, I can talk about in certain terms. It blows my mind that the very definition of faith that believers wear as a badge is the absence of evidence; the absence of anything that can be seen or touched or tested or repeated. So the basis of personal faith is nothing more than things that happen inside one person's head. It just so happens that this same kind of "faith" or insistence that evidence is unnecessary is a common shared delusion among all believers. Richard even talks about how a personal delusion that one is Napoleon is hard to keep true inside an individual's head because the outside world says that delusion is wrong. On the other hand, the delusion that there is a sky daddy who cares for the world is a delusion that happens to be shared by the masses. That kind of group solidarity must be reassuring, always convincing people that their delusion must be true because so many other people have the same exact delusion.

Pic of me

I thought I would upload a pic of me. This is definately an original sort of picture. It is a caricature that I got while on our honeymoon in Florida. I have always liked it!

Trust

Originally posted July 30, 2006.
Trust. It is such a vital part of any relationship. When I think about the ultimate in trust, I think about this illustrated sermon I did when I was in high school. Trust in a person can be visually illustrated by two people catching each other. I did this experiment: Two volunteers were needed. One stood in front of the other, both facing the same direction, about two feet apart. The person in the front was given the task of falling into the arms of the person behind them. This may sound easy, but it is not. The person in the front had to completely trust the person to catch them. If they doubted even for a moment, he or she would be forced to take matters into their own hands and take a step back, trying to catch themselves. The experiment only worked if the person in the front made a decision to trust the person at the back, closing their eyes and trully surrendering. Their life and safety was resting in that person that was to catch them. It was quite impressive once the person at the front made the decision to trust and fell straight back into the arms of the person at the back. But, what would have happened if at the very last minute the person at the back stepped out of the way, letting the person fall right before their eyes? Do you think the front person would be up for volunteering again for this demonstration? Probably not. Who wants to get hurt? The person at the back had to make a decision as well. Their decision was to stand up, be there, and be attentive. If they lost their focus even for a moment, the person that was relying on them could end up hurting themselves very badly. The point is that trust takes two people; two people who decide to do the right thing. Trust does not work if one person is not involved whether it is the trustee or the truster.I find myself being the front person who is actively making the decision to trust over and over only to find myself landing on the floor, badly bruised, making it that much harder to trust next time.

Freedom

Originally posted July 2, 2006.
It feels so good to be free from the constraints! Today marks my third week straight missing church. At first I felt guilty, thinking about what others would say about me and my husband. 'Oh, we should pray for them. Backsliders. They have strayed from the path. Working on Sundays is of the devil. etc.' Then I realized that the people at my church don't think about me as often as I think they do. Sure, I think about others often, all the time actaully. I think about others and their well-being way before I think of myself. It is only natural to think that others would do the same for me. But alas, I find that I am here at home on Sunday and no one cares. Not even the supposed family and friends that I had gained by attending, serving, and tithing in the church. When I came to this realization, I knew that I would be okay. When I look back on it, it seems quite depressing that I was so dependent on a group of people who didn't care about me. When I realized that no one missed me back there, I felt a sense of contentment, a sense of progress, renewal. Even though my husband and I were quite active at church; kid's ministry, welcome team, worship team, nursery, etc...; no one even called to see what happened to us. Sure, I have a tiny sense of dissappointment, even frustration. But, this failure to care really does not surprise me at all. The church hasn't grown and they wonder why. They say they want relationships, yet the foundations for healthy relationships are absent even from the highest of leaders. It was all a big joke. I have been so sick of churchianity for so long. Now I can focus on my relationship with my creator without all the trappings of man-made religion. It feels so good to be free!

Questioning?

Originally posted on June 25, 2006.
Have you ever had an intense longing for something but you were unsure what would quench that desire? I have felt dissatisfied with life. Don't get me wrong; I have a great life that I love and would not change for anything. As my previous post discussed, I have a great husband and yes we sometimes disagree. A lot of it probably has to do with the unspeakable desire within me. I get frustrated easily. We live in a great little house. I am currently fixing up the kitchen - painting cabinets, changing fixtures, etc. It is going to look great. We also have the best puppy anyone could ask for. Boo, pictured below, brings a lot of joy and happiness to our lives. I am finishing up my degree in elementary education. Everything is going great for me, yet I have a longing, or would you, a curiousity. I have never been the kind of person who goes along with the crowd. Thanks to my inquisitive dad, I have always been a questioner and skeptic. I tend to see the world with a cynical and pessimistic eye. I have always thought that there had to be more to life. Even though I am a practicing and very active Christian, my spiritual life has taken me down a path I had not expected. The faith that I grew up in and believed to be the basis for life, all of sudden seems to be crumbling around my feet. My eyes have been opened to the superstitions and practices of the church. These rituals bog us down doing things instead of bringing us closer to our creator. Every revealed religion has been created by the hands of man. How can we presume to contain God in our own little box of rituals and conformities? These questions and many more have been weighing on my mind heavily as of late.

A Serious Question

Originally posted on June 15, 2006.
Why do my husband and I have the same fight over and over again? We rarely argue, but when we do it is about the same thing every time. It all comes down to caring in my opinion. To me, it seems that he doesn't do that enough. He have arguments about honesty, truthfullness, and keeping promises; things that I happen to highly value - traits that my husband seems to be lacking in. Everytime we discuss or have a confrontation, I am the one who ends up apoligizing for expecting too much out of him. Why is it that it always ends up being my fault, or at least I feel like I am the one who needs to change? He never changes and his actions are the ones that cause the disagreement in the first place. Yet, beacuse he will not, I must continually sacrifice and give and change. Yes, it is true that my reaction to his jerkiness could be improved. But, really is it asking too much for my husband, my life partner to be honest with me? I do not feel like that is asking too much. We are in a relationship, aren't we? Sometimes I feel like I am all alone. I keep reaching out to him in love and kindness, yet I am received with a snap and an attitude. I guess I should be thankful that my husband does not beat me or cuss at me or call me terrible names. Should I simply be content with a marriage that leaves me feeling unhappy, disconnected, and isolated? I want to make it better, really. But, it all honesty I do not know what else I can do on my end. I cannot force him to change. I've tried and it does not work. I am just not sure what it will take for him to care about me in the way that I need.

A Start of Something

I decided to create this blog specifically dedicated to my personal journey through life. I want this blog to capture personal thoughts, feelings, and ideas about life, relationships, culture, history, or anything else that I stumble upon that has an impact on me in some deep way. But, I don't want this blog to be a burden; something that I have to add to everyday or week or whatever. I just want ideas to flow naturally. I will also be linking a couple of previous writings that capture earlier ideas I had about issues. I think it is important to include these because it shows the progression of ideas and personal changes. So, the next couple of posts were originally posted in my other blog that you can find at: http://mrsgalbreath.blogspot.com/